


While you are killing me

by dead_silence



Category: System of a Down (Band)
Genre: Angst, Before fame, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, M/M, Mental Anguish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-15 15:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16066010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dead_silence/pseuds/dead_silence
Summary: When Daron was "a prostitute in the street", Shavo was there too.





	While you are killing me

The small figure was lying on the road, in shades of the back street, with his dull limbs folded like a powerless rag doll.

When the lifeless, but strangely widened eyes met his, Shavo felt the blood drain from himself.

Those large eyes, resembling an old man just waiting for his demise, reminded him of the boy he was trying to find. Chemicals caused a frightening grin on the face of the lying figure, and his crooked teeth seemed more alike to those of the missing boy.

A tug of immense fear hit him for a second, but Shavo realised it was not Daron.

In the slimy darkness of the summer night, he strained his eyes trying to make sure of himself that it was not his tiny band mate that the seemingly very young man somehow lying on the road. Soon the relief warmed his spine. No, he wasn't. The boy holding onto his high, having fallen down on the dusty pavement for the sake of something god only knows, was not Daron.

However, it was obvious that he was too young to take this kind of unethical way. Shavo sighed. The small, powerless body before him seemed simply getting broken, rather than having the pleasure brought by a needle in his veins.

It was not so much a novelty scenery, since Shavo (and his fellows) lived in a city with extreme light and the same amount of shadows. His heart sank at the sight though, because the boy reminded him of Daron, maybe. In that moment, the noisy sounds of the Boulevard got so far away suddenly, and Shavo felt as if this pathetic boy and himself had left behind alone by the rest of the entire world. He stood there for a while, thinking about what to do between his own business and this depressing scene. After some hesitation, Shavo tentatively bent down to that figure still lying motionless.

"...Are you all right?" 

Said the bassist, but he received no answer. 

"Get up, or you'll get caught by cops or something, kid." 

There kept silence. Shavo stood up, sinking into his own thoughts. --It seemed that this boy has no home to come back, or no adults to protect him from the evil will of the harsh world.

''...It's too late, right?''

The sudden voice from the back made the slender guy jolt a bit.

''He's been like this since yesterday.''

Shavo turned back, and he met the heavily glazed eyes staring at him.

"Daron! Where the fuck were you--"

''...Or the night before last? I can't remember.''

Daron ignored the older boy and kept talking listlessly.

"Anyway, there's nothing I can do for him at this point. He's gone too far..."

He murmured in his familiar-to-Shavo voice, which showed his somehow preserved childlike innocence. It was slightly cracked in an offbeat way, however.

"He seemed not that kind of dude, I suppose. I mean, he didn't seem to ruin his life this way."

"You guys are friends?"

"No. But I knew him in...How can I say? My workplace? If you call it so.''

His workplace. --And his fucking "work", Shavo thought.

"I'm not going like him. I can do it better. He certainly got caught by some bad 'customer'."

Daron laughed a nervous laugh. Though he was trying hard to hide it, his features of large, deep-brown eyes represented a glimpse of fear. Shavo could feel the wave of tension. With his arms folded, like protecting himself from being carried away, Shavo gathered his strength up and said,

"No. I do not believe you can go on in any better way. You should stop--"

"None of your business, Shavo. Why can't you see it even though I've told you for thousands of times.''

Daron spattered with the sharpness of shimmering edges on knives, and Shavo couldn't complete the sentence. Hating to admit it, but he was somewhat frightened by this little guy with much anger. The bassist was always secretly afraid of the guitarist's burst of fierce emotions. It's not that he was a coward. Daron had apparently untreatable rage, which made everyone feel so uneasy, and Shavo was just not an exception. It made even Daron himself anxious about his own uncontrollable feelings, Shavo could tell.

This time he had to fight back, though. 

Because Shavo definitely didn't want him to end up like the boy lying right before them. In other words, he couldn't let Daron fall apart any further. There were no options left.

''Then, do you want to get drugged to death while you are selling your body to strangers, Daron?''

The eerily calm voice echoed in the shadows of the dreary back street. The shorter boy seemed slightly taken aback at this forthright questioning, but after a second, he got even madder.

''Stop mothering me, you the biggest asshole. I can do it and can't do any fucking other things. Unlike you, Shavo. You can work at a fucking bank or something and I never.''

Daron almost screamed. His eyes couldn't get any more widened than they were and there was glimmering of the hidden longing for salvation behind the thick color of pure rage.

Shavo got kind of pissed off at a corner of his mind, but at the same time he was more than concerned about this troubled life of the guitarist. Somehow he knew that Daron couldn't deal with his fear, sadness or inferiority and made all into the single enormous anger. This dude doesn't know how to process his broken feelings properly, so he gets just madder and madder instead of facing them. Shavo was no more afraid of Daron then, but still couldn't say a word to him. He could indeed see, but had no idea how to fix it. 

All at once, Daron turned away and rushed into the narrow byway, leaving the bassist completely dumbfounded. 

''Wait, Dar!''

He followed the shorter running through the dimly lit and cramped aisle. Daron was quite good at running fast, but on the other hand, the taller could make good use of his long legs (and the light weight of his rather willowy body. He was not too proud of it, though.)

Plus, to Shavo's luck, it turned out to be a blind alley after some minutes of both boys' sprint. Shavo caught Daron by the arm, trying to steady his breath.

''Daron, I think I know what you mean...But you could end up like him. Easily. It's easier than you think. I don't want you to be...Be like that. You deserve more.''

Daron shook and untangled Shavo's hand, and faced him, grabbing the collar of his black shirt. The bassist thought he was about to get punched, but the guitarist remained still.

''I'm not gonna get killed and instead I'll kill, if needed. No one can take from me anymore; they've already taken far more than I could stand. And now it's my turn to take.''

Daron mumbled with dusky heat, as if he had been suffering from high fever. It was no longer a shriek, rather a quiet whisper, but resonated heavily in Shavo's ears. These words were the curse of the guitarist's resentment. 

''I want to destroy, instead of being destroyed. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I want it so, so badly...''

His expression was strangely blank, but his eyes were burning with the gloomy thoughts--or the bottled up pain inside. However, Shavo could see a little child that had been deserted, in the sea of this boy's deep pupils. Maybe it was the left of the vulnerable innocence. Maybe it was something Shavo longed to protect from falling apart.

 

''I will make you hurt, Shavarsh.''

 

Daron gave him a jerk and the slightly rough lips crashed onto his. Shavo didn't kiss back, but didn't try to push the shorter away either. It was never a sweet kiss. It might not even a kiss. Daron was like trying to rip Shavo's lips apart with his crooked teeth, and Shavo could taste his own blood. 

When the tiny body pushed him down with all of its strength, Shavo stumbled and lost his balance. As he fell down to the ground, the taller felt something other than anger or fear. Feelings he had not yet known. The deep sense of sorrow mixed with empathy, and somehow a bit of remorse. 

He could have resisted or certainly fought against the shorter's domination, since his structure was much larger than this small guy. Even though Shavo was quite skinny and Daron was indeed stronger than his appearance, at least Shavo could have got away if he had tried desperately.

 

However, he didn't.

 

Relatively small, but, long-fingered hands tore Shavo's shirt and enthusiastically explored his body, stroking the lithe muscles and thin rib bones that had come to the surface of the pale skin. The bassist felt like screaming, but he tried to remain silent. The heat was overwhelming and he felt so dazed. All he could hear was heavy breathing of the boy, who was on top of the older and indulging himself in the pleasure of torturing the man below. Shavo wished he could have passed out, since he'd been torn apart between the small rational part barely left in his mind and the delirious mixture that contained the agony and some kind of somber pleasure. It was better for him if everything had been blackened.

His teeth clenched and his eyes squeezed shut, he tried so hard to stifle the moan, but low cries escaped his throat at intervals. He didn't know what those were for, whether torment or pleasance.

''...It feels...Too good. It's like...Like I'm losing myself...''

Daron whispered in snatches, with the utter delirium. His voice was terribly cracked then, like he was sobbing in a sensation piercing through his flesh. He put his trembling fingers on the narrowed throat of the bassist, and Shavo opened his eyes in surprise.

The eyes, which reflected the distorted light of desire yet along with the final fragment of reasonable thoughts, were looking down on the bassist's drained face.

''What if I should go beyond...Beyond the point where I would break you. Break you horribly...Completely.''

The murmured voice was so shaky, as his spine shivered in the trance-like state of mind.

Under deep heaving, Shavo listened to the younger. Daron didn't strain his fingers--, he thought, but Shavo strongly felt the air get thinner. He found it rather difficult to breathe. His thoughts were getting more and more slowed, and he saw that imagery of a little child. The child in Daron, longing for deliverance. 

 

In that very moment, Shavo remembered how lively Daron smiled on the stages, and the sparkles in his eyes. In between heavy sound and insane growls, there had always been something he'd found beautiful.

 

It was the last thing he could afford to lose. It was the last thing he could give up on.

 

''Go ahead, if you need it to stay alive. I don't mind. If it helps you to leave your own pain behind, ...Just go ahead.''

With his mind sickly hazed, he couldn't realise what waited for him. Probably he didn't even want to. 

He just wished to make this broken soul of the guitarist somewhat soothed, at any cost. 

 

The pain was so unrelenting, that Shavo thought he could never go through. The pleasure was so formidable, that Shavo thought he could lose his mind.

He couldn't keep himself back anymore. He screamed. His hands unconsciously wandered in the air, seeking for help. However, there was no one to hear him except the boy also screaming the name of the bassist louder in the breathtaking pleasure. Shavo was about to try to shove him away without his specific intention, but he forced himself not to. With knuckles white and his flesh terribly tensed, he was enduring the pain penetrating inside. He wanted the prolonged torment to let him go, but accepting those sufferings was something he thought he had to undergo.

 

Time slowly passed.

In the end, rest came to this tortured young man. His vision got completely blurred, and eyelids could no more stay parted. Closing his eyes irresistibly, he didn't feel anything anymore. It was like the string that had been holding him was cut, and Shavo collapsed to the pieces.

Daron was making parched noise through the back of his throat, and Shavo couldn't decide it whether half deranged laughter or cracked sobbing. Or it may have been the both of them.

''I had to. But I didn't want to. I didn't. I've got to give my hurts to someone, or I can't live on...I just need it. I couldn't help. But I never...I don't want it like this... 'cause I...''

Daron muttered incoherently in a feeble voice, shaking his head side to side. Poor boy, Shavo thought vaguely.

 

It was never clear that the broken ''I love you'' was what Shavo imagined, or in fact, Daron said these words in his distressed whispers.

The sound of the guitarist's voice was now fading further and further away, and finally the bassist fell senseless. 

 

 

\------------

Sun will rise even after every darkest night of lives, and it won't take so long for this man to come to. 

He'll find the boy is gone, when he opens his somewhat sunken eyes from intense, almost aching weariness.

Heaviness. Dizzy. Pain. All he will remember is something nightmarish, and he wishes everything happened was a bad dream.

Even so, the safe, comfy bed he's in and the mismatched small T-shirt he's wearing will make him come to one certain reality.

The boy should have brought him here and dressed him like this--, and the older will strangely feel like crying at that thought.

 

Crying for what?

\--Poor boy, and the silent born of what they don't know called love.

 


End file.
